Pressure has mounted for the remaining presidential candidates to release more in-depth tax returns. Now, documents have leaked that appear to show complete, 10-year records of each candidate’s filings. Garlic staff has summarized some of the key revelations for you:

Hillary Clinton

• Mrs. Clinton spent $11.99 to reserve the domain name hilldawg.com.
• Mrs. Clinton spent over $100,000 to promote her status as a “fun person” in the nation’s most prestigious news outlets.

Donald Trump

• Mr. Trump donated $500 million to the Foundation for the Study of Small Hands and Enormous Penises.
• Mr. Trump avoided $2.3 million in taxes by calling this commissioned portrait of himself a “public service.”

Bernie Sanders

• Mr. Sanders was paid by Hanes to be a spokesman for the brand’s popular “old person underwear” series. Mr. Sanders requested payment in the form of unlimited meals from Denny’s 55+ menu.
• Mr. Sanders spent $5,000 to trademark the phrase “yuuuuuuge.”

Ted Cruz

• Mr. Cruz spent $50,000 on his own private security, “to prevent physical assaults from members of his own party.”
• Mr. Cruz spent just over $5,000 to pay popular Muslim bloggers to state he is not an anti-Muslim, xenophobic bigot.

John Kasich

• Mr. Kasich paid a meager $12.34 to a top DC PR firm to, “make me look like the least insane candidate in the GOP. A single tweet or Facebook post should do it.”
• Mr. Kasich spent $1.2 million to establish The Kitchen Foundation: A John Kasich Center for the Study of Women Trying Things Other Than Cooking. 

*Organized Garlic is a satirical blog and a product of Labor 411.org.
All articles are fictitious. Have fun!

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